You’re NOT cRaZy, it’s Pandemic Grief!
COVID-19 has created loss for many people, sadly hundreds of thousands of death-losses that we know will have a life-time of effects on the family and friends of those lost to this disease. But, there are other losses caused by COVID-19, not worse or more devastating losses (remember, it’s not a competition here) but different kinds of losses, and it’s important to acknowledge them.
Many of us feel we’ve lost control, we’ve lost predictability, and something else about which it’s difficult to articulate the impact: loss of personal identity. We’re all experiencing many types of loss simultaneously, which has left us feeling overwhelmed by our grief.
But, grief? Really? Is this grief?
Grief is messy.
Grief is confusing.
Grief is painful.
Grief is isolating.
Grief is exhausting.
Grief is transformative.
Grief is all these things and more, and grief does not only come from death-loss.
Global pandemic, isolation, uncertainty.
This is all cause for grief. It’s messy, confusing, painful, isolating, exhausting, and can be (already has been for many) transformative.
Many of us have spent days, weeks, months, or the better part of a year completely alone. This comes with its own set of pain and sorrow for some, which brings us to this question: how are we to fully grieve without community, without support, without physical touch?
This pandemic has changed the way we grieve as well as what we now consider “grievable experiences.”
When we open ourselves up to the possibility that we are, in fact, grieving, is when we open ourselves up to the possibility for understanding and transformation.
This means we can more effectively adapt our coping strategies, for example: reaching out for help, asking a friend to check on us, being diligent about our mental, emotional and physical health.
We are all grieving together. Our futures are hanging in the balance. Our jobs are, if not yet gone, are also hanging by a thread. The core of the lives we’ve spent decades building or the plans we’ve just made with our new partners, the arrival of a new baby, the purchase of a home, by heading off to college, have been completely suspended, and there’s nothing we can do.
This is grievable. This is grief.
We are experiencing new types of loss for the very first time, and while at the time of publication, this pandemic has ended the lives of almost 2 million people worldwide, which is horrific and tragic in-and-of itself, the other types of loss we are experiencing are foreign and less tangible to us:
Loss of a livelihood
Loss of control
Loss of predictability
Loss of justice
Loss of the feeling that we cannot protect our loved ones from harm
Loss of connection
Loss of personal identity
And, because these losses are new to us, we are unsure of how to cope. The American Psychological Association explains this as ambiguous loss, “Many of the losses we’re experiencing now are so-called ambiguous losses. ‘These lack the clarity and definition of a single point like a death,’ Neimeyer explains. And that lack of clarity can make it hard to move forward. As the pandemic has evolved, people have had to confront a series of losses: The loss of a sense of safety, of social connections and personal freedoms, of jobs and financial security. Going forward, people will experience new losses we can’t yet predict. ‘We’re talking about grieving a living loss — one that keeps going and going,’ he says.”
Okay, great to have information, but what can we do if we are feeling a loss of control and an uncertainty about our futures?
REACH OUT
If you are so inclined, reach out to a professional or a member of Clergy. This can be one of the most helpful tools in coping with our grief and feelings of uncertainty. Very Well Mind has put together their 2021 list of best digital grief support resources for you.
NAME THOSE FEELINGS
The most important first step is to articulate and validate our feelings. Many of us are roaming around our homes, apartments, and flats muttering to ourselves, ‘am I crazy for feeling this way?’ but when we realize there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions of other people feeling the exact same way, there is a strange and collective calm that comes with that information. But, if you are unable to articulate what it is that you’re feeling, loss of control, for example and if these feelings are dismissed, there is little room for growth or accepting new ways to cope. When we have a name for what we are feeling, we can then develop a plan to overcome our hardships.
While the pandemic has turned normalcy on its head, we have the power to create it for ourselves. By leaning on our digital community, creating new routines that we can follow each day, and focusing on what we can control.
Community is a very important aspect of coping with grief and loss. Unfortunately, right now (February 2021) we must remain diligent about being physically distant with those outside of our “COVID Bubble.” Try to make an effort to create and plan for digital connections with family, friends, and any others in your support network. There are tons of free video conferencing software that you can use to connect with friends, family, groups, and colleagues all over the world.
Focus on what you can control, and focus on the present, which is in direct contrast to the feeling that we no longer have control over our lives that this pandemic has produced.
For example, we may not be able to control whether or not other people wear masks or use hand sanitizer, but we can control when and how often we do those things. It is also important to live in the present moment and make a true attempt to relinquish that anxious feeling about the future. To improve our current circumstances, it’s helpful to focus on how we can improve and cope with our current circumstances.
New Routines
Advice from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is to “Consider developing new rituals in your daily routine to stay connected with your loved ones to replace those that have been lost. People who live together may consider playing board games and exercising together outdoors. People who live alone or are separated from their loved ones may consider interacting through phone calls and apps that allow for playing games together virtually.”
This pandemic has dramatically changed how we define loss and how we grieve. No matter what loss we experience, we owe it to ourselves to validate our feelings of sorrow, pain, and confusion.
To acknowledge our grief is to acknowledge that change is an inevitable part of life. While change can sometimes be deeply painful, we have the power to determine whether it will shape our lives in a r in a negative way or a positive way.
If you’re not sure where to turn, you can always join my private Guided by Grief Facebook Group.
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