6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

There is no doubt that it’s tough to support someone through their grief, and it just naturally goes that the more you love this person, the less you feel like you can help. That’s love, folks. But, it’s important to note: you can’t “fix” grief. 

While it might be tough to figure out the “right” ways to offer support, don’t give up on yourself! Even though it might be a little uncomfortable at first, you will  prevail. (YAY, YOU!)

Remember that point about “fixing” it? It’s really important to acknowledge you cannot “fix” anything. You can’t change the circumstances, and the effects of loss can sometimes last a lifetime. But there are things you can do to help. 

Be present, flexible, patient, and supportive.

3 Things You Can Do Support

Be Present

Be there for your person. Just being physically present (if that’s what they have said they need or want) can mean the world to someone grieving a devastating loss. This loss feels lonely, never ending, and isolating.  

Do Something

If being there is not your cup of tea, or it’s just not physically or geographically possible, send a nice note, have a meal delivered, order a laundry or cleaning service as a gift. These kind gestures will also mean a lot, but send these gifts, meals, and notes without expecting a response or a “thank you.” 

No Expectations

Do all the things for the person who is grieving: send text messages, comment on their social posts, call them [does anyone use phones for actual calls anymore?], email them, mail a card, use whatever mode that's easiest for you to reach out and let them know you are “here for them.” But, please, PLEASE, PLEASE!  Have zero expectations that the griefy person will answer you. 

If you’ve never experienced deep grief, let me explain this: in this human condition that I call “Deep Grief,” it is difficult to even think about brushing your teeth let alone to muster the physical strength to actually get out of bed, get to the bathroom, put the paste on the brush, then do the brushing of the teeth. This is probably one of the most difficult things to grasp for those who haven’t experienced deep grief. If you can imagine how much energy just brushing teeth requires, especially when you feel like dying, imagine how tough it is to do something that takes not just physical exertion but also emotional and mental engagement as well. Something like responding to a text message or talking on the phone.  When someone is in deep grief, this feels like an insurmountable task. 

Please reach out with only love and compassion, but leave out the expectations. 

Be Flexible

Grief is “griefy” (like “cringy,” as in NOT good). Grief creates chaos and instability. One minute, your person might “seem fine” -- although we all know they are not fine on the inside. The next minute, they might be on the floor sobbing. 

Under these circumstances, it's obviously important to be understanding and flexible. Is it uncomfortable to watch someone sobbing on a floor? Yes, of course it is, especially if that person is someone you love very much. The best advice I can give in this situation is to get on the floor with them and wrap your arms around them. You don't even have to say one word. Just be there with them and for them and make them feel safe, heard, and understood. 

Now, getting up off the floor might be difficult as well, but this is also where being flexible comes in handy!

Say Their Name

One of the biggest insecurities surrounding the death of a loved one is the fear that the dead person will be forgotten. This fear is particularly magnified by child loss. When a mother loses her child, she has a constant fear of others forgetting or not honouring her child.  

Please say their name. Don't be afraid to mention their loved one’s name. Here’s a big tip: when someone tells you their husband, wife, child, or friend died, please don’t say, “what was their name,” as if their name disappears with them. It does not. [UGH. Pet-peeve of mine] 

Their name is still their name! So, you’d say, “I’m so sorry. What’s your daughter’s name?” Also, for many people, it’s important to speak about their person, so ask. “If you want to talk about her, I’d love to learn more about your daughter.” Something like this.  

To the person experiencing deep grief, it really does help to know that other people aren't afraid to talk and ask about their loved one. 

No Judgement, Judy!

I think you get the point that grief is hard, so if you do find yourself supporting someone through grief, please don't judge them. Please don't judge them for their words or their actions, or even their inactions, for that matter. OMG. You should’ve seen my condo after my son died. I mean, it literally looked like an insane person lived there. Real, raw, grief can cause people to do some things that other people would view as “crazy.” 

 We know a woman who was sifting through her son's ashes (I know, I know).  <take a breath>

When finished, she looked at her fingers and noticed she had some cremains on her fingers. She wasn't sure what to do, but she knew she wasn’t going to wipe her hands off or wash her son’s ashes down the drain. So,what did she do? 

Well, folks, she licked her fingers! The idea being, “he's part of me, so…” 

You may think this is crazy, but no judgement, okay Judy?